anyway, the same pathology that affected me last year has started gnawing back at me a creeping sense of impending doom
no energy burnt out not interested in eating much, or lifting the weight of all my projects piling
ian wants me to start investing; he believes im smart enough to make good money
i said i’d consider it since it’s marketing week and im halting all projects to focus on promoting finished ones
i said i could be the omniartist but the pressure to make money is again, like last year, undermining my ambitions and my creations
i said i wouldnt make the maths game anymore because it’s antihuman but im making it
ive got these youtube videos and these projects planned but i just cant be bothered and i have to complete the other things before i can get to it
it’s like i have all the time in the world but it’s my mental thats putting a hole in my goals i have to spend more time recovering so i can do more work
even some of the hesitation i have in conversation with people the same anxiety i had last year is coming back im dancing around in conversations because im afraid to say the wrong thing i think it’s because i avoided them for most of ‘24 but now im faced with them again, it makes me uncomfortable. nothing was ever resolved; i know i cant speaking to them normally
im the comforting presence they get to speak to for 5 hours i give eyecontact and listen i respond just enough to give them affirmation i know nothing i really say is that important for the intimacy of situation; im there to avoid my work im also there because whats important for them is that i sit there and listen
but thats also the problem if we havent spoken in a long time, theyre just trying to condense all their human learnings into our small conversation. i do the same thing
iiiii look at all the lonely people
truthfully, im going to have to just shelf a lot of projects i know a chunk of them exist just to get me more famous and more relevant then i can peddle my usual things, but it’s unsustainable
and also, it’s a waste if i draw the wrong attention my x post got 3 likes and a retweet and a follow but that person isnt interested in my usual work
it’s a hard balance to find an audience when you have many artforms but i just have to lead with the diary and the videos
feelsbadforthegameman i’ll keep the game the same make the music relaxing, the progress bar slower, higher numbers more random, and opposite side depleting, the visuals meditating, and just push it back another year the agi can help me finish it then
i should finally play uncharted 3 reloaded the ssd enclosure that broke, and took a week of correspondence, and my own money to send the return, the replacement finally came i can now finish superficial.
this is gonna be another hard year
the freezing cold weather is upsetting