the first time i can remember a girl being interested in me was at 14 i was on the bus home, daydreaming i was on the top deck, and it was empty, except for 2 girls in front of me
one of them, a tall white girl, keeps looking back, smirking she stands up and comes to talk to me she says did you know she likes you?
confused i thought about it the sri lankan girl i went to primary school with was interested in me i’d never considered this possibility
i didn’t know what to say nervously i said yes, i always knew she liked me
i didn’t
the tall white girl didn’t seem to expect it to go this way sri lankan girl never looked at me and i don’t remember ever seeing her again
i’ve thought about this moment many times over the years i was driven by fear i didn’t particularly like her but the onus was put on me to choose her if i could redo, i would have more skillfully dealt with her
but anyway, i was more interested in gaming ’til i was about 18 she was half a decade too early
a lot of the girls i know think i don’t, or can’t, get girls the best one is that i lack the ability to be good boyfriend material it took one particular girl to make me notice this a conversation where she said she was completely surprised by the depth in me
this unsettled me i couldn’t let this go until a friend told me it’s because i’m not stable what he meant was that the sides of me i’d show were too jokey
nowadays i find it funny because it’s because they are my friends, they get treated all silly but they’ve never experienced me romantically the girls especially have a hard time believing that these two paradigms of me could coexist it’s a deep and precious experience to be made the focus of all my loving energy
ever since i turned 18, i’ve spent all my time, romantically, avoiding girls
in college, two come to mind really didn’t like them one had been pregnant, though she was never serious. very argumentative. mid. kinda racist. the other had blue eyes. tried to appear ferocious. was frantic for love
never liked these girls; always disrupted the class i desperately didn’t want to be in the former one got me more angry than i’d ever been at 18 but we all inevitably spent a long time together
this was when i couldn’t dress well, though i was learning, and didn’t really follow any of their idea of social convention at some point, they both started to fall for me
they started to see something in me
it started with pregnant girl, who began flirting with me then with blue eyes, who perhaps saw a level of authority
didn’t like them; moved on to university
university was weird because here i was spending a lot of time with the young and horny, and what ended up happening is me putting in so much energy to move beyond them
parties, gatherings i had a lot of girls show interest what they’d do is put the onus on me and i’d always choose not to most of the time it was because i could see it wouldn’t work too dumb, too mid, too naive
later, when i would meet with the older girls, and maybe at this time my beard had something to do with this, they were very interested but what i could see were girls who’d been through some years of repeated unfulfilling relationships that when they looked at me, i was this oasis they could see
there’s this energy shift when they’re interested in you they let you in completely
all of these ones were offputting to me for incompatibility reasons but also because it’s like i could see how much this means 2 weeks i’ve not even kissed you i’ve just about talked to you and you see me as the solution to all your needs and i don’t even want you
but none of this makes me feel good i know the power i have to make them feel seen i don’t want to be with these people but i want them to be with someone who loves them
my friends would always get upset with me for how i would interact with girls “you can’t say that!” “why would you do that?” but i’ve never needed to act to that level to get people to like me it works when you’re yourself because there is honesty if they don’t like it now, they definitely won’t like it 6 months from now when the mask api becomes unavailable
when i graduated, i just went back to the computer, so i stopped seeing girls
there were a lot of girls that could have been but i worked hard to stop myself to prevent all the numerous unhappy endings the one girl i compromised on, optimising for someone happy, over intelligence, looks, or empathy i was punished for this one that’s on me
i think it’s a good safety mechanism to treat the girls like the boys because it’s now occurred enough times where i’ve seen opinions of me change in realtime - rapidly i’ve seen the look of girls imagining marriage with me i’ve seen the look of girls finally understanding what other girls see in me my favourite was the one with a boyfriend, doing comparisons for or against me
but as critical as i am of these people, i am a coward for i still haven’t done all that i can to find my path through all these women
i feel sorry for my wife she’s doing something stupid right now because she’s doing it without me
i bring this all up because yesterday i met an old friend, and made a new one it’s the ugliest thing to be caught inbetween two lovers who despise one other
lots of time wasted being unhappy together i’ve lived it, and i’ve seen it play out in several variations the worst part is seeing all the small details that’s made them become these people but i can’t just tell them to overcome their issues
so, i don’t push anymore i’m just here to listen to your sufferings