so i had my most severe mental incident on monday 8th july 2024 but before we get into that, if we could reach 100,000 likes on this video, i’d really appreciate it SMASH that like button! and. letssss get into ITTT!!!!
im 15 years old. staring into the distance. sitting silently. in a hospital bed.
i’ve been in this bed for 1 month and i’m not anywhere near close to leaving it but it’s not all bad
a doctor arrives she’s here to take my blood older mid 30s to late 30s eastern european
shes more relaxed than doctors are this was an nhs at a more relaxed time
she makes jokes to put me at ease she struggles to take my blood “are you usually this difficult to take blood from?” yes yes i am
my entire time in this hospital ive been silent im a silent boy im thinking but not what you’re thinking im thinking
most doctor are woeful at taking bloods nurses and phlebotomists do it everyday several times a day doctors do it to brush up their atrophying blood taking skills
as she takes bloods, and fails i decide to make a joke
“don’t quit your day job”
she doesnt react how i hope her to
she asks if im okay if i want to play games if i want someone to speak to
i have a playstation vita and i dont need to speak to anyone
in these moments, i observe one of two things being quiet and polite isnt necessarily what’s wanted of me or right
often i want to say something, and show parts of me to people that allows them to understand me, but consider it too much, and drop it but not because im shy but because i was never told otherwise
from this moment, i will try
and so from 15 to 16 17 18, 19, 20 and onwards
i grew my inward persona outward
this was a conscious decision to change but it happened over half a decade
in 2017, i watched frank yang frank yang had videos where he would tell people he loves big black cocks he is creative he does many things and he does so on the widest of spectrums
hes someone i can be
in 2018 i was asking people if they love big black cocks and photographing their response
something i always found bizarre were dishonest performative human interactions
i have 2 people in mind they go by the names Sula & Rikard
sula and rikard despise one another but rikard, being the older, and much more reasonable one, did something one day
rikard came into the room and asked how things were going sula let him know about the progress they’d made - it was positive
rikard proclaimed in a tone of understated fakeness “im really happy for you - congratulations”
i proclaimed, interrupting, “this whole conversation is fake”
rikard did not like that
i was thought being right was what’s right by that, i mean being honest rikard was not genuine, and i was right but 6 years later, i understand rikard’s reasons to fake it rikard’s reasons to at least appear suportive to someone who’d never be willing to do the same in reverse, nor would they ever be able
you see i use sula as a barometer to measure the worst kind of person sula can be described in many ways a negative person a loser
we’re all the biggest victims in our own story
sula is person bad and horrific things always happen to them they always contact you in a crisis there is always a crisis they always need money from you they dont communicate they’ve usually tried to commit suicide they’ll complain but never seek a solution to their complaints most of all, they’ve grown comfortable in their own tragedy their very own tale of pain and unsuccess they’re a miserable and chaotic presence
sula will wrong you they didnt mean it they’ll try a little bit to fix it they won’t ever actually fix it they’re sorry that things are bad they’ve forgotten what happened; what they did to make you mad want them to care about your problems? well, their life is too bad
for all life my life, i was free to never see a sula
until i saw
sula will tell you they really don’t want to lose, but the system creating the situation they’re in is the combination of the conscious actor and the unconscious stage director
sula is determined to be the director of their own adversity
adversity that never ends
the importance of sula and rikard and me is i’ve always sought truth ive always tried to say the truth and as i developed into a character who let their inward come outward entering a world where sula and rikard, and my binary of truth, were barely 5% of what i was to see of what the world was comprised of
i was to learn a lot
my decision to make movies happened when i was 18 i was depressed i was watching ice poseidon streams live every day frank yang was my inspiration
movies was what i could dedicate my lifeforce to
in the proceeding years, i went from someone who did not know how to use a camera, had never written a script, to Worry, which took 1 year to make, released 30th december 2020, is on the website to view, and comprised of me herding actors, traversing days, realising a lot of what i imagined wouldnt be feasible to realise because we were in covid, and also because i am poor
finding a solution anyway, releasing the project to be told by my closest friend it’s way too much for his platform way too silly!
my family couldn’t care to watch it, or engage with it oh, willy!
at that time, id made 100s of videos to get to that level so, in all those years of sheer effort, the closest to me didnt recognise my efforts and actually, no one took my movie ambitions seriously they all thought i was still a lost kid figuring things out when i had made my decision and these conversation could have been had and to this day, ive had them, and been ignored
so, what do you think happened to me after all this?
i stopped making anything i wanted
and started chasing what i felt cinema and movies were meant to be like, according to the ethemeral tastes of the people who wouldn’t give me the time of day
i consciously did this up until now
4 years
what i realised in the last 2 weeks is that they still don’t care they’re dealing with their own lives
and while i think and care deeply about what people are going through and a big part of my day is spent philosophising on the actions of others most people don’t do the same
so i can explain things in detail as i do now but they have to mentally connect it for themselves
but this isn’t where it stops
since i was 18, my mother left and my father’s negative tendencies got worse
one of the things i’ve always tried to be to my friends is not just supportive but encouraging, even uplifting someone who says “yes, you can do it” even if the others dont believe it and someone who bets on you, even putting down money, time, and effort
this is something i had as a child but lost in the most difficult years of my life
something my father should have been
something my mum was
because as big swathes of my life became very shit my health my basic needs like a physically safe home a home that’s comfortable, free of emotional abuse
the one thing i had was my self-esteem and my belief that i can do things
but in cinema traditionally, u dont see “success” until you’re well into your 30s 40s even and thats not late for a director thats normal thats when they’re consistently making good movies
so, how does a boy with no parents no generational wealth a temporary home barely any guiding hand and no money of his own make it all the way to 40 maintaining his belief and self-esteem
the compound effect of it all is what caused me to crack and believe me, im understating it all some of you know me and i’ve told you a lot
but not all
no one individual person knows everything that happened some were there when some of the bad things happened but no one but me for all of it
we are all the biggest victims in our own story
but to focus on just one story i can tell you
i have an open personality an honest one i built it since i was 15
big black cocks
and as ive grown, as well as it being me, this ability to be unencumbered by social norms always felt like a superpower and more importantly, a necessity for creativity it’s why you’ll always see me on the dancefloor dancing u cant create within the box; you need to think outside of it, or at least within a box that is bigger because u cant be controlled by fear of being perceived a certain way ironic.
over the years, a lot of people have found me to be crude blunt real these are the adjectives they use
im aware of how im perceived and it’s been the biggest conflict of my life
can i say what im thinking right now or is that not okay because the person will react poorly?
is this what this person wants me to say? >they dont react well >i shift my wording to something that pleases them
what i found was once you understand and recognise the patterns u can shift what u say, how u dress, to influence anyone >to please them >to make them like you
so, when the little boy who wants to be honest and the boy who can read every muscle twitch your face makes in emotional response, who knows what he will to do to be liked? what happens when those two boys get into a fight?
in the end, im grateful for my first girlfriend because she was the emobodiment of all the people who know who i’ve been for the last decade yet insist i be someone else and jeer, suppress, and censor my friends telling their other friends before i arrive that im just joking and they shouldnt be offended by what i say
forewarning
my best friend saying honestly and directly to my face that i should be normal that i cant say THAT
one of the things i realised is i cant be read easily and even though theres an obvious playbook for how i am
i dont cross the line; i dont abuse people; it’s in fact quite fucking clear i care a lot but most are drunk on social norms and can’t shift gear
and actually im very open, so u can just ask me
it took me 4 years to recognise im the method no one will give me anything if i ask they’ll call me egotistical if i go and find the answers myself and if i choose to be me, they wont like me
im the method i am the answer
ironically, someone in film school, a polish girl, told me i couldnt please everyone 2 years ago
this was a special day deep conversatiion day 6th june 2022 on a monday
parnan nina zanzida arfie willem hassnan waya glasgow/edinburgh old man looking for the underground talked about the city as it was and as it is now he studied at lse and moved around africa kpop chris ian jiu nari samuel kofi sean sophie sarah xingyu waifu chris louis
i had deep conversations with all these people
and she surprised me because most dont pay attention i was talking about how much i hate nigerians how racist i am towards them and she said she doesnt think im telling the truth and i said “why not” “because smart people don’t resort to racism” and she looked at me
this look of thoughtfulness
and in all those many years of pain on that course, and this girl i couldnt be friends with because we’re different
this girl looked at me and actually saw me she saw all sides of the spectrum the funny guy the guy that cares the guy that says outrageous things and she said in spite of everything they say about you, here is my judgement of you
and her judgement matched mine