returned home from Korea.
rapidly working on the fashion film, starting a YouTube shorts empire based around children’s stories because an 18 year old girl inspired me, and doubting all my relationships – romantic and familial.
I made a lot of progress in Korea with how I see the world and overcoming fear. The damage fear does when you fear what has not even happened yet. Yet, I still have a ways to go.
My girlfriend, or as I call her, my wife, depletes her time doing activities. Sports and trips. It’s been 3 days since I’ve been back and we haven’t met. The passion has dried up since I left then came back. Though, this is constant and a normal in all my relationships. It’s a thing I work hard at everyday. I wonder how she sees it and feels it I resent that the last time she felt it was partly fake what we have because it was virtual and I resent having to work again at another thing to keep everything together
it’s odd two people falling in love with each other, having met less than 5 times, being together for months, speaking mostly over the phone.
We should be in the obsessed lovess early stage but we’re also now somehow in the I don’t like that you did that stage.
I never get anything the average way
Everything since arriving back here is angering me.
And this girl is a shit texter. Something about people who are busy doing unimportant things never being available to answer their phones or respond quickly in text conversations. I have to remind her that this relationship, once I start working, and if she keeps up this pace of being too busy, will be a hi and a bye every fortnight. Shes naive about this and about our future. Can this girl be my wife? When she graduates, is this chapter over?
Why are all my friends so wholly gripped by romantic relationships – so much so that it bleeds all over their lives?
My friends who all work at creativity and dedication levels beneath mine, clueless family who don’t get it, aren’t helpful or understanding, are bad for themselves, and say they don’t care, and tell me “im moving out soon. Not investing anything into that house. Ill top up the gas when im home but otherwise good luck with everything mate”
my living situation is at a point of near collapse, and big decisions will be made
the light in me is fading
I couldn’t be a loser my good ending, my bad ending my bad ending is toxic, never giving up I only cry about deep existential shit where is my mum? Will I get her back?
it seems I can talk to one person about these things but I don’t want to anymore, not to the extent I used to my respect for them has fallen
im tired of these people I did everything but in the end ill always be the captain they look upto to steer the ship
is there a reason why I do anything
all my decisions have always been arbitrary random making up a set of rules to follow
then doing all that I can
but I know all my rules have no reason to rhyme
and the more I break away from social programming
get a girlfriend or have lots of sex or be big and make lots of money have stress get married start a family support your family
be healthy fit ripped posture look strong